Relentlessly Superior.

Thursday, December 03, 2009
[12:58 AM]

Technology has allowed us to be very well connected to the entire human race, so much that sometimes I feel like I am obliged to announce my departure with a respectful greeting. I'm taking my leave now so, goodnight world. (And I could almost hear them replying.) Strange.

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Monday, November 30, 2009
[4:56 PM]

I've been extremely caught up with school that I haven't had time to keep up with the things that are going on around me. Blame it on ignorance as well. Yes well among most of my friends I am probably the only one who doesn't seem to give a hoot about the latest top models, the names of the political ministers, current world affairs, pop culture etc. Keyword here is seem. It's not that I don't read. I do and I love filling myself up with such knowledge. But I don't put in the effort to remember them. So what I read I will only know then and there and the next day I would have forgotten all about it. It's humiliating, certainly not a habit a future educator should adopt and practise. I feel embarrassed most of the time when my friends talk about these things and I'm left in the dark. It makes me feel stupid even though I know I'm not.

Anyway as I was saying, I haven't had time to keep up with the latest so now that the exams are over I have all the time to catch up. Been reading much about local stuff, same old but still interesting and never ending debate on freedom of expression, foreign workers, education mostly, things that The Online Citizen is excellent at in providing alternative views. I just finished an article on the absence of a 'Singaporekini', an alternative independent platform that ought to exist, much like 'Malaysiakini'. I see it as an indirect mockery projected towards the lack of freedom for expression here. Kini means now in Malay. One reader not knowing that commented, "What is Singaporekini all about? Singaporeans in bikini?" Talk about ignorance (referring to myself as per para above), that has got to be the comment of the day.

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Wednesday, November 18, 2009
[3:43 PM]

Aunties tend to be generous when serving food portions to boys. My lady friend and I made an order for two bowls of Laksa. The stall doesn't prepare their ingredients before hand and have only one pot to prepare Laksa as they sell other dishes as well such as tom yum and yong tau fu, which they cook upon order as well. Sounds dubiously primitive but I guess it's their way of ensuring freshness. Fresh is good! So we had to wait for awhile. When one bowl was ready, the aunty gave it to us and said "This one ah boy one." My friend was quick to assume it was the one with the larger portions of ingredients. When the second bowl came, I noticed there wasn't really much significant difference other than the fact that "ah boy one" had more chilli (ironically I don't handle chilli as well my as my lady friend, it's one of the stereotypes of being a a boy and a malay that I embarrassingly fail to comply to). When we got to our table I really could not tell the difference and so helped myself to the nearest bowl, only to be scolded by my friend who blamed me for trying to cheat and refused to have the one with the supposed larger portion. Why do people always assume that boys eat a lot more than girls? It's a skewered stereotype that perhaps has its basis on the generally larger built of men. I don't agree that our size should be used as a guideline to our food intake and eating habits. There's probably some truth in the fact that the generally larger sized people (read, fat) tend to eat more, but men who are genetically built to be larger and have more muscle mass surely cannot be subjected to a similar stereotype! I simply refuse to acknowledge any truth in such generic sentiment for I have seen the opposite to be true! So don't assume. It's as good (or bad) as stereotyping someone based on his cultural or religious practices, though I don't mind it as joke sometimes. I personally love stupid Mat jokes. (How to make a Mat confuse? Put him in a circular room, he can't relek one corner haha!) Like I was teasing an Indian friend who claimed to have never bought anything from the Indian food stall in school despite being Indian. Denouncing your own race is it? Haha of cos not, far from it. She wore this T-shirt that said "Cold Storage Kids Run" to the exam today, I couldn't stop laughing.

I never thought I would ever write anything here ever again. But it's nice to know that I still have a little abandoned corner somewhere in the WWW where I could still lament, or celebrate, or simply just write about my mundane life. How interesting is it to read about the life of a college freshman who's dying underneath piles after piles of neverending assignments. One freshman semester is about to be done in a week's time. We are in the midst of exams at the moment. I haven't written full length essays for more than 2 years so you can imagine the agony my hand is going through right now after writing 3 long continuous History essays under 2half hours. Much better now actually but at the end of the second essay earlier I was very much hoping for the paper to end there and then. It was in so much pain I couldn't write the last one without making faces and biting my lips trying to tahan.

At least two papers down, only two more to go next week. College has been a rather interesting journey of self-realisation and maturation. Why does college life in the West seem so much more fun and enjoyable as compared to ours? Or is it simply a false depiction propagated by the entertainment and films? We film history students know the power that the cinema beholds. Well actually it doesn't take a genius to realise that. I remember this famous line that I kept hearing on tv: "Let us all bow down to the power of the cinema." I can't remember who said it though. Was it Tom Hanks? Robert Deniro? How can we take a back seat and simply say oh relax it's only a movie when these movies are altering history and knowledge according to selfish needs of mass entertainment and nationalistic appropriation? It's disgusting. No actually it's quite enlightening to look at it in retrospect. They always make you go wow, I can't believe they did that. And even more amazing is their continuous success in such horrible deeds. But to blame film alone on skewering the passage of history is rather unfair. History in itself is not all about the truths. It is only as true as one would like it to be. People who write history do so with certain intention in mind whatever it may be. Our own Singapore history is not all factual. I would think of it more as a tale of mythologised culture, not at all erronous, but definitely altered to a certain shape that suits the needs of the country and the government. The entire world is guilty of it. So what's the point of studying history right? Besides people like George Bush never learn from it. I don't know. Yet I'm going to graduate from college with a degree in it. Yeehaw cowboy.

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Sunday, August 23, 2009
[2:52 AM]

And what do you know, I'm finally in a tertiary institution, pursuing a degree. Not necessarily the school I had in mind 5 years ago when university education had seemed like a distant dream. At 15 I actually went on a university hunt all over the world (online of course) and had a rough idea of which I intend to go to eventually. We were young you know, things like this no matter the impracticality excite us oh so very much. The reality of it is of course just plainly humourous.

I know a degree is now highly attainable almost anywhere everywhere. It doesn't take one to score straight As and become a Valedictorian to get that highly valuable and sought after piece of printed paper. But I honestly never thought I would get a place in a proper honourable university. My paper will be even more valuable mind you. It's glossier, heavier, produced by the best in the paper manufaturing industry and printed with the deepest and richest black and red one can only imagine exist in Far Far Away (not intending to offend anyone!).

I never cease to amaze myself really. Every corner ahead now seems like a surprise waiting to be discovered. The terrain doesn't look at all forgiving but I'm looking forward to it. Can't wait!

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Friday, July 10, 2009
[1:36 AM]

It's been more than 12 hours since the test ended but I still can't believe I failed it! I cannot fucking believe I failed my practical driving test! When things are destined to happen you somehow can find yourself knowing it is going to happen, like a sixth sense giving you the signs, some prefer it as gut feeling. I knew I was going to flunk my Econs at the A-Levels (I didn't, barely) because the paper was such a nightmare and I was very much ill-prepared for it. Because I was expecting it even if I had really failed the paper it wouldn't be much of a surprise. But I was confident as hell that the driving test was going to be such a breeze! Seriously, I've had tougher encounters and experiences, fire fighting and dance to name a few, and driving doesn't even come close to it. It feels like second nature, how difficult can controlling the steering wheel and stepping on the clutch and accelerator be right. So when I got to know that I failed, the earth stopped moving and time stood still as I tried to pinch myself hoping it was just a bad dream.

Sure I was nervous, it was my first time so mistakes were bound to happen, screw ups were waiting to jump off the corner and surprise me, catching me off guard, like the hideous little Jack in the box. It wasn't the failing that got me feeling nasty, it was the silly little mistake that I could very well have avoided if I had not let the nerves get the better of me. I didn't fail because I was incompetent or lacking horribly in the necessary skills required. In fact I did quite well and I have points to vouch proof. I failed because I accidentally mounted a roadside curb while making a left turn. Stupid, stooooopid. It's not one of those bad habits like not remembering to signal or check blindspot before turning. No. It had to be curb mounting, a mistake I had only done once or twice when I first started learning, a mistake that rendered me an immediate failure. I can't help feeling like an idiot for making such a simple yet deadly mistake. Stupid stupid stupid.

My life for the next month or so had been planned on the assumption that I would pass the test and get my license. School's starting in less than a month and I'm moving in to the hostel so I need to be able to drive in order to tranport all of my belongings over. My roommate needs help with that too. And once college begins I don't expect myself to have much time left for driving lessons and the test dates are sure to clash with my schedule. I need this to be over and done with pronto and I thought the arrangement couldn't have been more perfect if I were to pass my test this month right before college begins. As I've said earlier, I was expecting to pass, with the flying colours of rainbows and balloons, alongside sparklers and glitter for effect.

I'm largely a very optimistic person. I see good in everything that happens no matter how ridiculously bad it may seem. I always believe there is goodness in everything, things are destined to happen for a reason, we are all part of a greater plan. Things happen in a certain way because they are meant to and I am very proud to say that I think I am a living proof of just that exactly. Whatever that had happened to me in the past years, good or bad, had miraculously been blessings in disguise. Truly grateful for all of it really. So I tried to console myself with that knowledge.

But the harder I tried the more annoyed I was with myself. With pain and sorrow and now annoyance gripping ever so tightly, I had to let it all go and decidedly went to the gym. I threw my tantrum and bantered my body real bad that one of the instructors had to warn me against causing damage to the equipment. How did I turn into a teenager? I never felt more adult in my life than during NS but now that I'm done with it I find myself slowly recovering the teenage years lost during the transition. I get moody, I throw tantrums, I do silly things only young people are capable of doing, I'm back to being a boy again. But my mentality remains matured. So I'm like a man behaving like a child. I hope that's a good thing because at least I'm enjoying youth the way I should, instead of dealing with worldly matters that I know I'll inevitably have to deal with for the rest of my life once I step into the working world proper.

So, I failed my driving test, one of the greatest humiliations of my life.

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Wednesday, May 13, 2009
[3:39 AM]

You know something is not right when you realise your sexual drive is at an all time low when you're barely 21. Nudity turns you off and porn bores you to death. Then you worry of the probability of your inability to conceive a child. You don't wish to be too old to finally realise that the time has come for a rightful heir to take over your empire which you've spent a good half of your life building, sacrifising all the good things in life because they say you have to work hard now and suffer first in order to be happy once you're successful and able to enjoy the fruit of your labour. Of course there's none more rightful that a child you produce out of your very own seed. Are you then to adopt an unrelated child who probably cares for nothing more than your wealth, to take it and use it and not bothered about its longevity that all that is left after your passing is a rotten name and a couple of lawsuits under it. Horrifying as it may seem, none of us can deny its possibility. So it's about time we get up and do something about it. You're only turning 21 and your life beckons for your dearest attention.

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Thursday, April 30, 2009
[2:47 AM]

I feel like I'm fighting a losing battle against fats. It's been a month since I embarked on this journey towards a better body, a better shape but the changes are pathetically miniscule I'm slowly beginnning to lose hope. I've done all I could to burn those stubborn fats, the effort I've put in exceeds the weight loss miracle I experienced during my teenage years yet the progress is disappointing. I did drop 20kg when I was 15 from an obese 90 to a surprising 70 but it was not at all intentional and I had no clue I was losing so much until I realised my school uniform got too big for me. It was purely a miracle because I don't think I did any drastic changes to my diet or exercise regime other than attending the daily running session made mandatory for me because I was overweight and skipping a few meals due to work overload (it was the year of the O-levels). So how it happened is beyond me.

I'm still trying to figure out what it was that triggered the weight loss because I'm desperate for the miracle to happen again. To be fair I'm not exactly fat, decent shape healthy weight really, but I'm concerned with the way my body looks. It's not good enough to be seen bare and in the industry I'm in it is excruciatingly important to look good naked. There is no undermining the importance of a good looking physique where my world is concerned. Not easy for a boy who spent the most part of his growing up loving food. I celebrate food! Food is my greatest love in the world, good sumptuous food, and eating has turned into a habit that's hard to break. I am working on it but the progress is slow, too slow I might just quit.

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Monday, April 13, 2009
[1:48 AM]

Good things in life tend to unfold themselves in ways you could least fathom and this I consider to be one of life's greatest mysteries. Better still, it's rather contagious. One good thing leads to another and another and another.

Recently I've been blessed with the chance of meeting cousins I have been deprived of for more than 10 years, family affair it's complicated. You know how genes have such a major role in shaping the person you are and when you realised you have relatives and family that explain certain things about yourself and not being aware of it growing up, you can't help but ask, why so daft? Why have they been so witless to allow teeny weeny cans of worms rupture the entire structure of a family and deprive future generations of the knowledge of their ancestors, their links and wonders.

Yes I'm furious and yes I'm annoyed but no I'm not playing the blaming game. As a disclaimer, 'they' in this context can be anyone you wish to assume because I have no right to point fingers when I lack knowledge of truth (which I don't see myself acquiring as long as the cold war persists). Perhaps I have no right to judge the problem meager for again I say, I lack so much knowledge. But being the person I am, always just and justified, I can't see why the issues couldn't be resolved and why they would allow us children be victims. I'm not being a child about this because thankfully this whole ordeal have indirectly given me such level of maturity that unfortunately doesn't flatter my age. But it hurts to know that I could have hugged the globe if my hands had not been shortened.

Positively, God has made me into a person who believes strongly in the power of His forces so nothing goes by without me understanding that everything happens for a reason and the reason is for Him to know. I'm grateful to be reunited once again and even more grateful that this is opening me up to even more opportunities that could have been made possible many years back but only happening now because it's meant to. Not complaining, I'm actually thoroughly pleased.

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Friday, March 13, 2009
[4:03 AM]

We've come to the end of yet another phase of life. Somebody once said, we are characterised and defined by the things we do in our life, our jobs, career, whether you're a doctor, lawyer, teacher, actor, that's what you're known for. To have that taken away from you is like losing your identity. You're no longer a doctor or a lawyer, you're just a human being, not any more significant than any other space-filling mortals.

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Wednesday, January 28, 2009
[11:16 PM]

My face is so red I would probably pass as a delicacy if I were to enter a seafood restaurant now. That's chilli crab by the way. I can't seem to fathom the craze among our people over chilli crab. Seriously, is it really that good? Then again, I'm not a fan of crabs to begin with so I guess I'll never know. Of course, I digress. My point is, it was scorching hot I wished it'd been a weekend and I was at a beach with bikini babes suntanning around me.

I've been doing a lot of work behind the scene, planning for this course, preparing for that lecture, sorting out a certain ceremony, getting all the administration stuff done, etc, I can't remember the last time I conducted an actual lesson. I had to replace a colleague today and I hate teaching lessons I'm not prepared for. It's like going on stage with no routine in mind. So I had to teach this wonderful invention we call submersible pump and boy, did I have a lot to say about that simple equipment! No I didn't do my research prior to the lesson, I had no idea I was going to teach that, and no it's not one of those things I see and operate frequently (it's not a very common equipment, use it approx once every 6 months), but I had all these things to say like a freaking manual! So then I finally realised what kind of a teacher I am.

I teach mostly from experience and knowledge I sub-concsiously gather along the way and I tend to elaborate a little too much. A simple fact like "this is a blue hose" can be well expanded into something like "this is a very special blue hose because it is the only hose that is blue and unlike any other hoses it has two different kinds of connections on either end." And then further elaborate what the connections are and why they are called as such blah blah blah.. I can imagine how tormenting it must be for the trainees. Or is it? But I'm doing them a huge favour because I see these as really important things that ought to be mentioned and I can't bear to leave any out. I feel almost sinful and going against my principles if I were to do that for it is my duty to teach therefore I teach. Today it was disappointing to see their lack of interest in all the noise coming out of my mouth that I had to ask myself, what's the point then, really? Is there such a thing as having too much to teach? Or am I too generous with my sharing of knowledge, too fascinated with its wealth and abundance, that I got too caught up with my ownself, unaware of the effects it has on the receiving side? Surely there are two sides to it. But I'm more concerned about giving. Time to reconsider this teaching attitude of mine perhaps. I am going to do this full time anyway so better start amending its flaws before it becomes inherent in me.

I'm like Ross Gellar of Friends.

So I met a girl, a smart, attractive girl. I told a colleague about her and the kiss she gave in response to my hug. His first reaction? "So did you get an erection?" No I did not! I tried to explain that it was not a boy-you're-so-sexy-i-wanna-have-sex-with-you-tonight sort of kiss but more like boy-i-think-i-like-you-i-wish-i-could-see-you-again-sometime sorta kiss. Somehow I saw his answer coming: "Dude, that's so gay." Why can't boys look at girls in a more cultured way and not just think of them as sex machines? I think there's more than meets the eye when it comes to the opposite sex and one ought to study what's underneath to unearth the true beauty of a person. We're talking about a potential relationship here, not a mere fling! I'm not the kind who sees a gorgeous woman and think "Wow she deserves some hot raw sex from me tonight!" or even "Wow I so want to date her!" Does that make me less of a man? There's something unattractive about being so hot and sexy to me that makes me not want to ask her out. Well yeah I do get the occasional wild fantasies of being dirty and naughty, but not when you're looking for loooveeeee... an actual romance between two opposite sex that transcends physical beauty. Maybe it's just me, my brain, this is what you get when you're in the Lonely Hearts Club longer than you should be. I can't believe I'm turning 21 single and lonely.

Recent experiences have taught me a few great things about friends and relationship (as two separate entities). Friendship is a very seasonal thing. You are friends with so-and-so because you go to school together, members of a same club, etc, there's always this common ground that has to be there for a friendship to work. Common interest therefore connections. But the sincerity of it becomes very questionable. How many of us actually still consider our primary school friends as friends now? There are a few, but how close are we to them? We are closer to people that are connected to us at that period through our activities because we see them everyday. Once done, they become mere acquaintances, people you used to know. I'm lamenting because this whole process is tiring me out and making me wonder if I actually have real friends I can always turn to anytime. A recent incident made me thought about it, and suddenly I'm seeing myself lonely in the near future. I don't fear loneliness but it makes me sad. But my answer is yes, I have real friends, friends of every season, friends who appreciate me for who I am. To hell with seasonal friends, I'm going to be cold and distant when school starts. Hell yeah.

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